Let’s Talk About Sex

I met Pete, we went to dinner, and then very soon we were spending all of our time together. Pete would get off work at 9pm, I would drive 30 minutes to see him, stay until 3am, drive home, and get up at 6am and go to work. Those were a fun few weeks. How do I not even remember being tired? Oh, and we would text in the time we were apart. I showed the best parts of me, and he did the same. Anything he did I thought was perfect, and he has said he thought the same about me. A quick note, I was a totally different person at this time. I weighed 160 pounds more, had trauma I had not dealt with, and really was not my best self. 

The first year was blissful. We would go to nice dinners often, to French Lick for a weekend, that year for his birthday I surprised him with a trip to Mexico. Then time happens. You lose the infatuation with each other, and the distractions in your life start peeping in. Jobs. Schedules. Families. Traumas happen. Pete and I were engaged, but not yet married, got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. Devastating. This brought us together emotionally, but I believe pulled us apart in many other ways.

We got married, tried to get pregnant, and couldn’t. We had to go to a fertility doctor. If you have been to a fertility doctor you know how hot the sex revolved around planned conception is. It was a task. It was not connecting. We of course both wanted a baby, but it was work, it was stress, and it was draining. 

We got pregnant, had sweet baby Henry at 25 weeks, spent months in the NICU, and Henry then came home on oxygen that beeped and kept us up all night. Were we having sex? That’s hilarious. All I wanted to do was make sure Henry was ok, and sleep when I could. To say we were exhausted is an understatement. 

Babies grow. You are able to sleep again. Are there still distractions? Of course. You are busy with work, you are trying to keep up with your relationships, you are trying to be a good parent, stay healthy, and the list goes on. Once you are in a relationship for a bit of time there are always going to be distractions. You have to work to stay connected to your partner. I often tell Pete that I need him to be more physically affectionate, and he often says to me that he needs words of affirmation. I find if he is not being physically affectionate, I do not give him words of affirmation, and the same is true for him.

You have to take time to reconnect. Go away for a weekend. Go out for a night. What made you fall in love to begin with? Why did your partner fall in love with you? I used to be the sweetest person. I would leave Pete notes on his car, send sweet texts, and stay up with him. I haven’t left a note on Pete’s car in years. Relationships require compromise. It is very easy to remind your partner what they are not doing, but the blame cannot be put on one person.

Tell your partner what you need, give them what they need, and have all the sex.