To Be Loved

I don’t know if I’ve ever truly accepted myself as I am, and where I am in my life until now. I would often think the thoughts that others think of me without ever really knowing their truth. Why have I made this my truth? I’m not sure. Are there things in my life I wish I had done differently? Yes. I think it’s ok to have regrets, as long as you see the mistakes you’ve made as a positive to help you in the future. With that said, I cannot continue to focus on the past, or I will miss the love I have in my life now. It’s hard for me to come to the realization that you cannot be all things to all people and that is ok. The more I listen, and observe others, I feel everyone is just searching for some form of acceptance. The question is why. I think somewhere along the way you start to believe the thoughts in your head, good or bad. If I have love for myself, then not a single person has power over how I feel about myself. I am enough as I am today, I deserve the good in my life, and I appreciate, and love the people that have loved me when I couldn’t love myself. Ok, now let’s talk about when I didn’t love myself.

Growing up, and being adopted I did not always feel like I was a priority. I haven’t always felt like a priority in my marriage. When I met my husband I knew he worked a lot, and had two children from a previous marriage. I continually felt I was coming in second place.

Through our relationship I would have some pretty debilitating anxiety. There would be times I literally could not get out of bed. We would have pretty bad arguments, and he would leave for work. I would think how can you just go on with your life, and you left seeing the hurt in my eyes.

Do we need to work on our marriage? Yes. It wasn’t all my husband, though. I needed him to love me as my partner, and give me all the love I never had for myself. It was easy for me to blame him for things, but I was not the victim. He loved me through some pretty dark places in my life. He loved me 160 pounds ago, and would always tell me all the good he saw in me. He would often ask me what I loved about myself, and I could never answer.

Shifting to getting healthy mentally and physically. As vain as it may sound, I have wanted him to have a little more appreciation for my new body than I feel like he has. He tells me you’ve always been beautiful; I love you for who you are. What a lovely thing for your partner to say, right? If I am being totally honest, I am still working through this.

All things of the mind don’t get easier, but you get stronger. Every single day you have to feed your mind with all the positive thoughts, and constantly reframe the negative ones. Don’t settle for the things in your life you despise. Fill your life with the things you crave, and practice some self-love along the way.